Friday, August 24, 2001

Southern California Drivers License Application

Hi everyone! I've been reading all of your comments and I love them. Please keep them coming. I have been a bit overwhelmed with email and work so I didn't have time to respond to all of the comments on my last entry. I feel as if I do at this point most of you won't see my response anyway. Anyway, I received a funny email today from Dsaint. I thought I would share it with you.

Southern California Drivers License Application

Name: _______________________
Stage name: __________________
Agent: _______________________
Attorney: _____________________
Publicist: _____________________
Manicurist/Hair stylist: ___________

Sex: __ male __ female __ both__
formerly male __formerly female __

If female, indicate breast implant size: ____

Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate

a motor vehicle in any way?
Yes ___ No ___

[ ] Lawyer
[ ] Actor/Waiter
[ ] Filmmaker/Self-employed
[ ] Writer
[ ] Car Dealer
[ ] Panhandler
[ ] Agent
[ ] Hooker/Transvestite
[ ] Other; please explain: ______________

Please indicate how many times you expect to have sex in car: ____
Please indicate how much you plan to spend for this sex.______

Please list:
Brand of cell phone: __________.
(If you don't own a cell phone, please explain.)

Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde [ ] Ash Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Green
Skinhead Men: Please list shade of hair plugs.

Please check activities you perform while driving:
(Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating a wrap
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back seat
[ ] Having sex
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[ ] Snorting cocaine
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the Net via your laptop

Please indicate how many times:
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers ____
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving ____

If you are the victim of a car-jacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime;
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on
the news on a high-speed chase;
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone
company for 911 call not going through;
d) Call your therapist;
e) None of the above (South Central residents only).

Please indicate if you drive a:
a) Beamer,
b) Lexus,
c) Mercedes,
d) Toyota,
If your answer is D, please add six to eight weeks to normal
delivery time for your driver's license.

In the event of an earthquake, should you:
a) stop your car,
b) keep driving and hope for the best,
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones, or
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4.

In the instance of rain, you should:
a) never drive over 5 MPH,
b) drive twice as fast as usual, or
c) you're not sure what "rain" is.

Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac;
b) Zovirax;
c) Lithium;
d) Zantax;
e) Viagra.
If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:
a) 1 hour;
b) 2 hours;
c) 3 hours;
d) 4 hours or more.

When stopped by police, should you:
a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance ready,
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405,
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus
ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit?
d) reload before coming to a complete stop.